Ans. The very first recommendation regarding marriage, given in the book “Prem Sumaarag”, is that to marry ones child one should pick a family that believes in honest work and teachings of Sikhism.
One should not look for a wealthy family to develop relationship. In “Mukat Naama” it is further recommended that one should marry (ones daughter) to a boy who is sweet tempered, intelligent and knowledgeable (regarding religious teachings). In particular one should make sure that he is not under debt.
Along with these suggestions, it is also directed that one should start looking for a suitable match for ones daughter only after she has been brought up to possess sweet temper and is capable of carrying out household chores.
The Sikh codes include very strong directives that anyone who gives his son or daughter in marriage after accepting money is a “Tankhaahiaa” (apostate). Dowry has been described as a curse and those who give and accept (money and/or goods) are detestable.The marriage of a Sikh boy to a Sikh girl should be consummated without any consideration of their castes or ethnicity.
A Sikh girl should marry a Sikh boy. To marry young children is prohibited in Sikhism.
BETROTHAL (KURHMAAEE):It is not necessary to have the betrothal ceremony before the Anand Kaaraj’. However, if the girl’s parents wish to perform this ceremony, they should pick any day and gather before Guru Granth Sahib (as congregation) along with their family and friends and the family and friends of the boy. A supplication (Ardaas) is said and a ‘kirpan’ (sword), a steel bracelet (karha) and something sweet should be given to the boy. The meaning of the Punjabi word “kurhmaaee” is love, devotion and restraint.To fix a day for wedding: While deciding for a date of ‘Anand kaaraj’, a search for an auspicious (or inauspicious) day, date or tithi (time and day according to the lunar calendar) is considered egotistic and is prohibited:
ਸ਼ਾਹਾ ਗਣਹਿ ਨ ਕਰਹਿ ਬੀਚਾਰੁ॥ ਸਾਹੇ ਊਪਰਿ ਏਕੰਕਾਰੁ॥
(SGGS, P. 904)
“One calculates for auspicious days but does not think that God is above and beyond such calculations”.
Any day that suits the parents of the girl and the boy should be agreed upon.The marriage party: Only a minimum number of members should be taken in the marriage party after consulting with the girl’s parents. Meaningless rituals like worship of (dead) ancestors, washing of feet with milk and water mixture, performing of ‘havans’, reciting of dirty couplets, having performances of dancing girls and consumption of liquor etc., are ego-directed acts and are thus prohibited.
Reaching the bride’s home and meeting (new) relatives: On reaching the bride’s home both sides should sing hymns from Guru Granth Sahib:
ਹਮ ਘਰਿ ਸਾਜਨ ਆਏ॥
ਸਾਚੈ ਮੇਲਿ ਮਿਲਾਏ॥
ਸਹਜਿ ਮਿਲਾਏ ਹਰਿ ਮਨਿ ਭਾਏ ਪੰਚ ਮਿਲੇ ਸੁਖੁ ਪਾਇਆ॥
ਸਾਈ ਵਸਤੁ ਪਰਾਪਤਿ ਹੋਈ ਜਿਸੁ ਸੇਤੀ ਮਨੁ ਲਾਇਆ॥
ਅਨਦਿਨੁ ਮੇਲੁ ਭਇਆ ਮਨੁ ਮਾਨਿਆ ਘਰ ਮੰਦਰ ਸੋਹਾਏ॥
ਪੰਚ ਸਬਦ ਧੁਨਿ ਅਨਹਦ ਵਾਜੇ ਹਮ ਘਰਿ ਸਾਜਨ ਆਏ॥
“Dear friends have arrived into my home.
The Holy Lord has brought about the union.
This union has come by spontaneous devotion
My heart is fallen in love with God I have found joy by this union with the chosen onesI have achieved what my heart desired
This permanent union has filled my heart with satisfaction
Our home has assumed a beautiful appearance
The mystic music of five instruments is struck
On arrival of dear friends”.
After this the supplication should be said. At the end of the supplication, “Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji ki Fateh” should be loudly announced.
The ugly ritual of “Jai Mala”, the exchange of garlands by the bride and the groom should never be followed. According to Hindu tradition, Jai Mala is the complete consummation of wedding.
It is prohibited according to Sikh code. The members of the marriage party or those of the girl’s side should not get involved into any useless and/or unpleasant discussion. All should stay mentally satisfied and happy.
Anand Kaaraj (marriage ceremony): To perform this ceremony the relatives and friends of both sides should gather in the form of a congregation around Guru Granth Sahib. Kirtan (hymn singing from Guru Granth Sahib) should be performed either by professional musicians (Raagis) or the congregation. Then the bride and the groom should be made to sit in front of Guru Granth Sahib. The bride should sit on the left side of the groom.
On taking permission from the congregation the person (man or woman) who is going to perform the ceremony should say a supplication to God for the successful completion of the ceremony. During this supplication only the bride, the groom and their parents (or guardians) should stand. Then a “Vaak” (commandment from Guru Granth Sahib) should be read. Following this a sermon in which Guru’s instructions for a successful married life are explained, should be delivered. The explanation of the four “Laavaan” (circumambulations around Guru Granth Sahib) should be given to the bride and the groom:
The first ‘Laav’ means that the marriage is an unbreakable permanent bond. Do not protest but adjust. Stay attached to each other, through thick and thin, the rest of your life.
The second ‘Laav’ means never to break or jump over the wall of respect for each other.
The third ‘Laav’ means that in the life of a householder joy and dispassion towards the world are always together. One has to stay in restrain and discipline. On one side is the bliss and on the other is separation. Pleasure and suffering should be accepted with equal indifference. Do not waiver.
The fourth ‘Laav’ means always keep balance and poise in your life. Eternal bliss comes out of this balance. Always keep your expenses lower than your income. Those who do not follow this advice, ultimately come to grief. Stay as two bodiès but one soul. Never forget God. Stay under the refuge of Akaal Purakh and always depend on the advice of Gurbani. This union should be considered as the pilgrimage of human life and both have to make it a successful journey. This is a union of two Sikhs, which amounts to holy congregation. Therefore this union should result in both, the bride and the groom, leading their lives like ‘Gurmukhs’. Both should be baptized (Amritdhaari) Sikhs because only then they will have the ability to fulfil their promises.
According to Prof. Christian, children born out of happy combination of genes of father and mother turn out to be bright and genius. After this bride and groom should be made aware of Guru’s directives separately.
The groom should be told, “the bride’s parents have picked you as the most suitable match for their daughter. You must consider your wife as your half and give her all your love. Share the bounties of life with her. He who keeps on enhancing his love with time for his wife, is a successful householder. He whose love decreases with time is deceitful and lustful husband. You should practice fidelity steadfastly. You are the protector of her body and honour. Consider her parents as yours and her relatives as your own relatives; give them proper respect”.
The bride should be told, in the presence of Guru Granth Sahib and the holy congregation you are being wedded to this man. Consider him as the center of your love and devotion and stay within a relation of respect and affectionate regard with him. In happiness as well as sufferings, wherever you live stay steadfast in the duties of a model wife:
ਜਿਨ੍ਹਾ ਨਾਉ ਸੁਹਾਗਣੀ ਤਿਨ੍ਹਾ ਝਾਕ ਨ ਹੋਰ ॥
(SGGS, P. 1384)
“Those blessed in matrimony look to no one but their spouse”.
“Never give bad counsel to your husband. The secret of having a united family is that you should consider his parents as your own and his relatives, your own relatives. Those homes fracture and families break up where elders are not served respectfully. As Bhai Gurdas has said:
“Those who abandon their parents are murderers”.
By quoting Bhai Gurdas’ couplet it should be emphasized that to follow those who have separated from their parents is a bad act, which a Gursikh does not follow:
“The son, forgetting all the kindness of the parents, follows the bad tradition of evil people and separates from them”.
The advice given to Bibi Veero, the daughter of Guru Har Gobind, by her mother is worth repeating here: “Get up early in the morning, take a bath and keep reciting Gurbani. Never utter a slanderous word for any one”.
The bride and the groom bow to Guru Granth Sahib indicating that they accept all items of advice given to them.
Laavaan: At this point the bride’s father or guardian hand over one end of the sash worn by the groom around his neck, to the bride to keep holding it throughout the remaining ceremony (this signifies that she should hold on to her husband for the rest of her life).
Now the Sikh sitting in attendance to Guru Granth Sahib should recite the hymn containing the four ‘laavaan’. This hymn is in Raag Suhi on page 773. After reciting only one stanza (the first laav), the same stanza should be sung by the Raagis and at the same time the groom followed by the bride should circumambulate around Guru Granth Sahib (If there are no Raagis then the circumambulation can be carried out while the stanza is being read from Guru Granth Sahib). Then the two should bow and take their original seats. This process is repeated four times while the four stanzas of the hymn are being sung (four circumambulations around Guru Granth Sahib). At the end of the fourth stanza (and the circumambulation) the bride and the groom should take their seats and the Raagis (or the congregation) should sing the six stanzas of “Anand Sahib” (Ramkali Mahalla 3). Following this a supplication, with expression of gratitude to God and the Guru for their grace on the occasion, should be said and then the ‘Karhah Prasaad (blessed sweet pudding) should be distributed.
It must be remembered that followers of others faiths cannot be wedded according to the procedure of Anand Kaaraj.
If the girl’s parents happen to visit their daughter (after she has settled in her husband’s house) and food is served, they should not hesitate to partake it (among Hindus, eating food at daughter’s house is considered improper). According to Gurmatt (Sikh way) son and daughter have equal status, and food is a gift of God.
Therefore one should not have any doubt in mind regarding the propriety or impropriety to its eating.Widow marriage: Unlike Hinduism, Sikhism allows the widow marriage. If a husband passes away, his widow is allowed to find a suitable match and remarry. If the wife of a Sikh passes away, he is also allowed to remarry. The procedure of the marriage of a widow or a widower is no different from the regular Anand Kaaraj.When did the Anand Kaaraj start: According to Sikh history when Hindaal’s brother wanted to get his daughter married, the Brahmins refused to perform the ceremony saying that he was the Sikh of Guru Amar Das and therefore no longer a Hindu. Guru Amar Das then himself performed the marriage ceremony. The first marriage with the recitation of the hymn of “Laavaan” was that of Bibi Veero, the daughter of the sixth Master, Guru Har Gobind. Even today in the Jhabal village, where this marriage took place, there is a Gurdwara called “Laavaan Sahib”.Up to the time of Maharaja Ranjit Singh, most Sikh marriages were performed according to Anand procedure (some intermarriages, between Sikh and Hindu families were also performed according to Hindu procedure). After the Sikh empire was annexed by the British empire, the Sikhs gradually started adopting the “Bipran ki Reet” (Brahminical rituals). However, the Anand Marriage could not be completely eliminated because the widow marriages were not allowed by Hindus, and therefore, had to be performed according to the Anand procedure. All Nihang Singhs also continued to follow the Anand marriage procedure. Also Baba Dayal (Nirankari) took upon himself to revive the Anand Marriage.
On October 22, 1909, Government of India passed an act according to which the Anand Marriage became legally accepted. Tikka Ripudaman Singh of Nabha played a very important role in the writing of this legislation. Everyone agreed that Anand Marriage was a simpler and less expensive ceremony as compared to the Hindu marriage.
In Sikhism, the worship of idols and elements is prohibited.
According to Hindu procedure for marriage, it is necessary to circumambulate fire (an element) in order to consummate a marriage. Brahmins demand money for performing a marriage while among Sikhs no one demands any money. If any one does, he is considered immoral and worthless. Among Muslims the marriage is a kind of bargain while Christians take it as a companionship. A bargain can get annulled, a companionship can be abandoned or forsaken if there is a disagreement. However, among Sikhs this relationship is unbreakable.In the second volume of the book, “History of the Freedom Movement of India”, it is written (page 399) that the passage of Anand Marriage act was not an insignificant event. This made the widow-marriage legal and because of this the inter-caste marriages became legal. It opened a window on the close Indian social structure whereby it could enjoy the breath of fresh air of a bit of freedom from the Brahminical strait jacket. The nation got liberated from the slavery of hollow rituals and false ceremonies. Thus it became capable of going forward on the path of progress. It constituted a distinct point of break – away of Sikhism from Hinduism.
This, however, was a marriage without the recitation of the hymn of “Laavaan” because, this hymn was later on composed by the fourth Master, Guru Ram Das. It must therefore be a different Anand Kaaraj.